Friday, January 15, 2010
Somebody ticked funny
I was going to review Avatar on here but do you know what its 9pm and Big Brother's on.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
CoD Modern Warfare 2: Killstreak Code
Me and a colleague from work have been having a bit of a giggle over naming our visits to the toilet at work after the killstreaks in Modern Warfare 2. You know, "Jesus Mike, I can feel a Tactical Nuke coming on!!"
How sad? Sad enough for to share them with you guys...
UAV
Identifying someone in the office as going for a dump.
Care Package
Dropping a solitary log.
Counter UAV
Being identified as going or having gone for a dump.
Sentry Gun
Managing to splash the back of the pan in a 180 degreee fashion.
Predator Missile
Like a care package but with much more force and urgency.
Precision Airstrike
Letting go of a well timed, pre-planned laser guided shite smack bang in the middle of the bog.
Harrier Strike
Two loud ones followed by a bit of a runny splatter whilst hovering above the seat.
Attack Helicopter
Usually whilst ill. A forceful bout of diarrhea.
Emergency Airdrop
The clue's in the name.
Chopper Gunner
Like the Attack Helicopter but bigger chunks coming out a faster rate and much more dangerous.
Stealth Bomber
Having a shite without anyone knowing and leaving zero evidence.
AC-130
Taking A Crap at 1.30pm.
EMP
Having a shite and someone turns the light out. Bastards.
Tactical Nuke
This is the big one, having a shite so big that no one dare venture in for fear of radiation poisoning. Lethal to all but you.
There we are, nice bit of toilet humour for you all.
How sad? Sad enough for to share them with you guys...
UAV
Identifying someone in the office as going for a dump.
Care Package
Dropping a solitary log.
Counter UAV
Being identified as going or having gone for a dump.
Sentry Gun
Managing to splash the back of the pan in a 180 degreee fashion.
Predator Missile
Like a care package but with much more force and urgency.
Precision Airstrike
Letting go of a well timed, pre-planned laser guided shite smack bang in the middle of the bog.
Harrier Strike
Two loud ones followed by a bit of a runny splatter whilst hovering above the seat.
Attack Helicopter
Usually whilst ill. A forceful bout of diarrhea.
Emergency Airdrop
The clue's in the name.
Chopper Gunner
Like the Attack Helicopter but bigger chunks coming out a faster rate and much more dangerous.
Stealth Bomber
Having a shite without anyone knowing and leaving zero evidence.
AC-130
Taking A Crap at 1.30pm.
EMP
Having a shite and someone turns the light out. Bastards.
Tactical Nuke
This is the big one, having a shite so big that no one dare venture in for fear of radiation poisoning. Lethal to all but you.
There we are, nice bit of toilet humour for you all.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The X Factor
The conclusion to a fantastic series will be aired tonight live on ITV1 and do you know what, it really has been a fantastic series. I have loved it.
I have often mocked those who watched the show in past years, believing I was 'above it' and that it wasn't 'real' music.
However, I have watched it closely this year and been very impressed with how watchable it really is. I've seen some neck-hair raising performances, genuine tension and excitement and had some right laughs too. I particularly loved John and Edward hanging on every week, loved Stacey's Queen performance - a song I'd never really heard and identified with them before and Joe's performance last night with a rough looking George Michael was sensational.
You might think, X Factor - pah! Well so did I, but it's proved me wrong this year and I hope tonight's final is as good as it can be.
Here's Joe and George Michael from last night.
I have often mocked those who watched the show in past years, believing I was 'above it' and that it wasn't 'real' music.
However, I have watched it closely this year and been very impressed with how watchable it really is. I've seen some neck-hair raising performances, genuine tension and excitement and had some right laughs too. I particularly loved John and Edward hanging on every week, loved Stacey's Queen performance - a song I'd never really heard and identified with them before and Joe's performance last night with a rough looking George Michael was sensational.
You might think, X Factor - pah! Well so did I, but it's proved me wrong this year and I hope tonight's final is as good as it can be.
Here's Joe and George Michael from last night.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 - The Review
So Modern Warfare 2 came out with a huge amount of hype on Tuesday 12th of November 2009 and I have been playing it ever since.
I'm sure you have noticed that this is having a hugely adverse effect on this blog! I've decided that now is the time, after finishing the game on veteran (how cool am I?), to share my thoughts after playing it to death.
You could say this game has three very different aspects to it, there is the campaign mode, the multiplayer mode and the Special Ops.
Let's start with the campaign.
You're thrown in to the game at a military camp in Afghanistan and the game cleverly (or annoyingly to regular players) runs you through the basic controls such as how to shoot, how to aim, throw a grenade etc etc before launching you into it's first mission aboard a Humvee. From there on in, you're hooked. The graphics, the sound which is phenomenal on some levels, the set pieces which it loves, it's all truly stunning.
I was not long into my bowl of cheerios that Tuesday morning on release day when my character was dressed up to look like a Russian terrorist. He swaggered through Moscow airport pinging off hundreds of rounds from his LMG into innocent Russians in the most realistic representation of terrorism I've seen in a game and probably only will see in a game judging by the controversy it caused. Was it necessary? No. I think the story writers could have come up with much more compelling ways to spark a US Russian war and could have included a much more exciting mission as a result. But I am fairly sure they made quite a lot of extra sales as a result.
The plot is full of holes and I was left scratching my head as to how quickly this whole war seems to explode into life but then again, something more complicated would no doubt leave the majority of those who bought it scratching their heads saying: what does all this mean?
My biggest gripe with the campaign mode is some of the level design. The biggest sinner is the mission called "Wolverines!". In this mission you quickly make your way through a typical North Eastern American housing estate (big wooden type detached houses) and find yourself in a retail/leisure park with various fast food style restaurants. Now mid way through the mission, your Sergeant, Sgt. Foley, tells you that...
"Ramirez! I think I saw a Stinger on the top of Burger Town. Get over there and take out that helicopter!!"
I almost switched off at this point. It just reeked of badly thought out design. It had the phrase, "How can we make this level last longer to make sure the player sees all the pretty stuff we spent ages drawing."
For fucks sake Foley, thanks a lot mate. If you saw it then why didn't you pick it up on the off chance that we might have needed to use it.
Then it happens again and this time you run over to another building only to find that it's already full of US Rangers! What the hell? That was infuriating!
After a few more missions, I got to play what I now believe are my favourite missions in the game. They sit side by side and the first has you breaching and clearing an oil rig and rescuing hostages and then busting Prisoner #627 out of Gulag. They were simply fantastic, brilliantly paced and enough to make you want to play them several times over unlike many of the other missions.
The ending of the USA vs. Russia plot line was very abrupt, with the unbelievably annoying Cpl. Dunn who spends entire missions fannying about asking, "So, when we going to Moscow."
Ooh, I'm not certain Dunn me lad, but probably sometime in November 2011 just in time for Xmas I imagine. I am not excited at all about a sequel and the continuation of this story and I think it really needs to step a gear in terms of storyline.
The gameplay from start to finish is fantastic, there are enough little set pieces to make you feel like part of something much bigger than just a game but as with Modern Warfare 1, the story is exceptionally short considering just how much plot is packed into it.
Overall I really enjoyed the campaign and the majority of the missions. Some of them were a bit naff, pointless you might say. The two Brazilian levels were far too excessive and I think a minute long snatch and grab of Rojas would been much more effective than the frustrating sprint, shoot and flashbang your way through the favela. Which you do twice and believe me, on veteran this is insanely difficult. The last two missions of the campaign as well are very, I don't know, strange I think. But the campaign is still better than most, if not all games I have played.
I'd give the campaign mode 8/10. There is a lot of room for improvement.
So, onto the multi player. This is where the game excels. The multi-player mode is massively indepth, there are so many weapons, attachments, challenges, levels, title, emblems etc etc that you could play this for months and months if not years and still not get through the vast amount of stuff here that the player has available to consume.
Every game is different which is why it is so appealing. There a large number of maps with one or two crap ones admittedly (Afghan in particular is beyond frustrating) and there all a lot bigger than Modern Warfare 1's maps. In some cases though I found myself running around big open spaces for ages thinking, where in God's name is everyone?
I am only just scratching the surface of multiplayer and I have been on it a month now.
As for the Yanks, the abuse, the 10 year olds who call you gay. Just mute them. As for the experts who can see you a mile away with a pistol well chances are you won't play them as when it loads up a game for you it now matches you to similarly skilled players which is much more enjoyable.
This section of the game definitely deserves a 10/10. It's truly immense, well balanced and there has been so much effort put into this section of the game.
Now the Special Ops has the feel of a late addition to the game but is absolutely fantastic. I think the appeal of this for me is playing through these very small missions whilst talking to your mate and sharing the experience. And my absolute favourite experience of this game was playing the "Estate Takedown" Spec Ops mission on Veteran difficulty.
There is a big country house which you have to clear and then defend from enemies. Now, included in these enemies, there are about five or six Juggernauts. For those of you who have played it, then you will know just how brilliant and feared the Juggernaut is and for those of you haven't well, believe me he takes some killing.
We cleared the house pretty quickly including quite a few of the aforementioned juggernauts and then equipped sniper rifles and took out the last nine or ten standard soldiers from afar before we both glimpsed coming in at speed through the front door our last enemy, yes you have guessed it, a big grizzly Juggernaut with one intention - killing us. I think "Giddy" is a good word to describe the atmosphere over the headsets! "There's a Juggernaut coming up the stairs! Shiiiiiit!!".
I felt like a 10 year old again and it was brilliant.
My fighting partner was taken out so I had to hit the Juggernaut with everything I had and down he went. It was truly awesome and is still talked about now.
10/10 for Spec Ops.
Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 gets a 9/10 from me. There too many tiny things wrong to stop this from being the perfect game.
And I leave you with this jammy sod on multi player using the newly added throwing knives...
I'm sure you have noticed that this is having a hugely adverse effect on this blog! I've decided that now is the time, after finishing the game on veteran (how cool am I?), to share my thoughts after playing it to death.
You could say this game has three very different aspects to it, there is the campaign mode, the multiplayer mode and the Special Ops.
Let's start with the campaign.
You're thrown in to the game at a military camp in Afghanistan and the game cleverly (or annoyingly to regular players) runs you through the basic controls such as how to shoot, how to aim, throw a grenade etc etc before launching you into it's first mission aboard a Humvee. From there on in, you're hooked. The graphics, the sound which is phenomenal on some levels, the set pieces which it loves, it's all truly stunning.
I was not long into my bowl of cheerios that Tuesday morning on release day when my character was dressed up to look like a Russian terrorist. He swaggered through Moscow airport pinging off hundreds of rounds from his LMG into innocent Russians in the most realistic representation of terrorism I've seen in a game and probably only will see in a game judging by the controversy it caused. Was it necessary? No. I think the story writers could have come up with much more compelling ways to spark a US Russian war and could have included a much more exciting mission as a result. But I am fairly sure they made quite a lot of extra sales as a result.
The plot is full of holes and I was left scratching my head as to how quickly this whole war seems to explode into life but then again, something more complicated would no doubt leave the majority of those who bought it scratching their heads saying: what does all this mean?
My biggest gripe with the campaign mode is some of the level design. The biggest sinner is the mission called "Wolverines!". In this mission you quickly make your way through a typical North Eastern American housing estate (big wooden type detached houses) and find yourself in a retail/leisure park with various fast food style restaurants. Now mid way through the mission, your Sergeant, Sgt. Foley, tells you that...
"Ramirez! I think I saw a Stinger on the top of Burger Town. Get over there and take out that helicopter!!"
I almost switched off at this point. It just reeked of badly thought out design. It had the phrase, "How can we make this level last longer to make sure the player sees all the pretty stuff we spent ages drawing."
For fucks sake Foley, thanks a lot mate. If you saw it then why didn't you pick it up on the off chance that we might have needed to use it.
Then it happens again and this time you run over to another building only to find that it's already full of US Rangers! What the hell? That was infuriating!
After a few more missions, I got to play what I now believe are my favourite missions in the game. They sit side by side and the first has you breaching and clearing an oil rig and rescuing hostages and then busting Prisoner #627 out of Gulag. They were simply fantastic, brilliantly paced and enough to make you want to play them several times over unlike many of the other missions.
The ending of the USA vs. Russia plot line was very abrupt, with the unbelievably annoying Cpl. Dunn who spends entire missions fannying about asking, "So, when we going to Moscow."
Ooh, I'm not certain Dunn me lad, but probably sometime in November 2011 just in time for Xmas I imagine. I am not excited at all about a sequel and the continuation of this story and I think it really needs to step a gear in terms of storyline.
The gameplay from start to finish is fantastic, there are enough little set pieces to make you feel like part of something much bigger than just a game but as with Modern Warfare 1, the story is exceptionally short considering just how much plot is packed into it.
Overall I really enjoyed the campaign and the majority of the missions. Some of them were a bit naff, pointless you might say. The two Brazilian levels were far too excessive and I think a minute long snatch and grab of Rojas would been much more effective than the frustrating sprint, shoot and flashbang your way through the favela. Which you do twice and believe me, on veteran this is insanely difficult. The last two missions of the campaign as well are very, I don't know, strange I think. But the campaign is still better than most, if not all games I have played.
I'd give the campaign mode 8/10. There is a lot of room for improvement.
So, onto the multi player. This is where the game excels. The multi-player mode is massively indepth, there are so many weapons, attachments, challenges, levels, title, emblems etc etc that you could play this for months and months if not years and still not get through the vast amount of stuff here that the player has available to consume.
Every game is different which is why it is so appealing. There a large number of maps with one or two crap ones admittedly (Afghan in particular is beyond frustrating) and there all a lot bigger than Modern Warfare 1's maps. In some cases though I found myself running around big open spaces for ages thinking, where in God's name is everyone?
I am only just scratching the surface of multiplayer and I have been on it a month now.
As for the Yanks, the abuse, the 10 year olds who call you gay. Just mute them. As for the experts who can see you a mile away with a pistol well chances are you won't play them as when it loads up a game for you it now matches you to similarly skilled players which is much more enjoyable.
This section of the game definitely deserves a 10/10. It's truly immense, well balanced and there has been so much effort put into this section of the game.
Now the Special Ops has the feel of a late addition to the game but is absolutely fantastic. I think the appeal of this for me is playing through these very small missions whilst talking to your mate and sharing the experience. And my absolute favourite experience of this game was playing the "Estate Takedown" Spec Ops mission on Veteran difficulty.
There is a big country house which you have to clear and then defend from enemies. Now, included in these enemies, there are about five or six Juggernauts. For those of you who have played it, then you will know just how brilliant and feared the Juggernaut is and for those of you haven't well, believe me he takes some killing.
We cleared the house pretty quickly including quite a few of the aforementioned juggernauts and then equipped sniper rifles and took out the last nine or ten standard soldiers from afar before we both glimpsed coming in at speed through the front door our last enemy, yes you have guessed it, a big grizzly Juggernaut with one intention - killing us. I think "Giddy" is a good word to describe the atmosphere over the headsets! "There's a Juggernaut coming up the stairs! Shiiiiiit!!".
I felt like a 10 year old again and it was brilliant.
My fighting partner was taken out so I had to hit the Juggernaut with everything I had and down he went. It was truly awesome and is still talked about now.
10/10 for Spec Ops.
Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 gets a 9/10 from me. There too many tiny things wrong to stop this from being the perfect game.
And I leave you with this jammy sod on multi player using the newly added throwing knives...
Monday, November 23, 2009
This Blog
Has really suffered at the hands of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.
So apologies to my three readers.
I shall be back one day I imagine.
So apologies to my three readers.
I shall be back one day I imagine.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Music Monday: Patti Boyd
To continue the George Harrison and Eric Clapton theme from last week, this is the beautiful lady who won the hearts of not only Beatle George Harrison but Eric Clapton as well and had four fabulous songs written for her. Apparently both John Lennon and Mick Jagger also fancied a bit too. You can see why, she's a bit of a stunner.
George wrote "I Need You" and "Something" and Eric wrote "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight". I'm sure you've heard of them!
The whole relationship surrounding these two, George and Eric, is pretty complicated and would make for one huge fabulous late 60's early 70's period drama (why no-one has bothered making something like this for TV I'll never know - I mean, just imagine the soundtrack!).
Now, legend has it, during one atmospheric evening at George's house and to quote Patti from her book:
"George handed him a guitar and an amp - as an 18th century gentleman might have handed his rival a sword - and for two hours, without a word, they duelled.
"At the end, nothing was said but the general feeling was that Eric had won. He hadn't allowed himself to get riled or go in for instrumental gymnastics as George had. Even when he was drunk, his guitar-playing was unbeatable."
How good?! I love reading about stuff like that.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Don't Stop Me Now
Back in 2002/03 time I rediscovered a collection of old cassette tapes hidden away in my house. In amongst the old "Now that's what I call music" double sets and few singles (including the great "Swamp Thing" by The Grid), was Queen's Greatest Hits.
It's an absolutely biblically epic album with such belters as Bohemian Rhapsody, Another One Bites the Dust, Killer Queen, Fat Bottomed Girls, Bicycle Race, You're My Best Friend and of course Don't Stop Me Now. If anything it is perhaps the greatest of greatest hits.
"Oooh" says I, but not in a Mercury esque manner. It might have been. Ok it was.
"I think I might have to give this a bit of a hammering."
It got a quick listen that very night. I was quickly hooked and then, by chance, I was in my mate Keith's Mam's car (A silver J reg escort - it's vivid my memory you know) and we made it all the way through Bicycle Race and You're My Best Friend and then, in a pivotal moment, the Queen track, Don't Stop Me Now blasted out of the Escort's speakers.
I don't know what it was that happened that night. Perhaps the speed we were travelling, the turned up stereo system of Keith's Mam's Ford Escort or simply the elated mood we were in. We'd both just gained our first proper jobs around this time, both of us had gotten seriously into nights out and life was on the up. Don't Stop Me Now obviously rang true with us at the time. For the next few months it became "the" song (amongst a few others I might add).
Now, around this time, Keith and I were regular, almost weekly, visitors to Redcar where we would tour the few bars, get absolutely smashed on Vodka and Red Bull which had just been introduced to the scene and then request songs from who I swear was the absolute double of Ned Flanders. Ned used to DJ in the now closed The Royal pub. The finest, funnest, most ridiculous pub Redcar has ever seen. During this time, I started asking for Queen's Don't Stop Me Now, because we loved it and it always tore the house down. Turns out other people loved it. It was a beautiful happy period of my life.
And then it spread like some disease from bar to bar. It became an essential part of the cheesy DJ's set. I asked for it in Walkabout. I asked for it in Chicago Rock. I asked for it in Aruba. It was played. How we danced. How the others danced. How we threw our hands across an imaginary sky during the line, "like a rocket ship racing through the sky"...
But.
You see.
The thing is, I cannot stand the song now.
Every week, in several of the bars we now go in it's almost guaranteed to be played.
Guaranteed.
"Tonight, I am gonna have myself a real good time..."
Well I am sorry Freddie, Bri and the other two, whatever your names are, but maybe I am not this week. Maybe I am a bit miffed that you get played all the time now during my hazy period on a night out. "Tonig...
No Frederick. Just. No.
And do you know what? It's my fault he gets played every week.
I asked for it every week.
Without fail.
Yes, me.
It was fresh and new and retro back in the early 2000's! It hadn't been played for 25 years! But oh no, I just took it too far. It's now become an essential part of your modern night out now. It's a Walkabout classic. A Chicago Rock floor filler. A downstairs in Aruba nightmare.
I am almost certain, 99% certain infact that I never heard Queen's Don't Stop Me Now in a pub or club before until I asked for it that fateful night in Redcar. A good 3 or 4 years worth of going out from 1999 or so.
So, for this, I apologise.
The next time you hear this Queen "classic" belt out of the speakers in your local cheesy disco please, spare a little thought for me.
Stewart Lee
I attended Stewart Lee's show at the Stockton Arc on Tuesday night. It was, quite simply, sensational.
The show kicked off with Lee introducing warm up act Tony Law who was, after a frighteningly surreal start, quite brilliant in his own unique way. His Zagreb, Croatia story was, quite easily, the highlight of his small set.
After a quick toilet and drink break on came Stewart Lee and within moments, the crowd was drawn in to the world and web of this fantastic story teller. He covered a variety of subjects and there was no point during the act where I once thought, this is a bit boring, uninteresting or uncomfortable.
It was almost as if he was conducting us the audience, as if we were some giant Bach organ that he was playing and in full masterful command of. He was slowly building each of his flowing stories, carefully choosing each word, each pause and each sigh and then increasing the intensity, volume, atmosphere and electricity in the theatre as he continued his act. It really was sheer genius.
His ability to create a repetitive line or key point from something incredibly obscure which can, and does, leave you close to sheer frustration. He continually plays on this during chapters of his performance until you are almost locked in on every word until he reaches a climactic point where finally, he leaves the viewer completely satisfied.
There is no comedian out there today who can do that. If there is I would like to see them.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Music Monday
Here's one of my favourite tracks off one of my favourite albums. This is Savoy Truffle from The Beatles White Album. It's George Harrison's tribute to Eric Clapton's fondness for a particular box of Mackintosh's chocolates and a spot of toothache.
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